As I mentioned yesterday, I was tagged by Carrie Butler in a new writing meme.
- Post the button and link to http://blog.jayceedelorenzo.com (following would be nice, but not required).
- Share an excerpt from your current WIP, perhaps something you’re struggling with, are stuck on, or just can’t “get right.”
- Ask a question about your excerpt. It can be something easy such as “What do you think?” or something more in-depth, such as “Can you suggest a better way to word such-and-such,” or “How can I make the emotions in this scene more realistic?”
- Tag 8 people.
I can do that, and I have the perfect excerpt I could use your help on. First, I’m going to go ahead and tag some people.
- Ali Cross
- Anne Chaconas
- Christina Rains
- Shah Wharton
- Deana Barnhart
- Tasha Seegmiller
- J. A. Bennett
A little background so you know what’s happening:
Amanda saw her older sister die. When she starts claiming a creature from the forest was at fault, her parents send her to a mental institution. Five years later, when she is released, she is determined to get her life back to normal. Aside from a few bullies at school, things seem to be on track. Until she discovers that her sister was not the only kid in the complex to have died so suddenly. With the help of her friends and a boy she just can’t keep away from, she goes in search of the truth and discovers she may not be crazy after all.
That’s the blurb.
Now, here’s the part I’m having trouble with. Amanda has just been invited into the folds of this strange community within the community with no idea of what she’s about to get into:
She led the way through another door and back outside. The tree line was only a few feet away from the back of the house, and she continued walking into the woods, deeper and deeper until the houses were no longer visible. There was a small clearing, about 20 feet in diameter, a large fire in the center and dozens of people around it. They cleared the way as we approached.
I stood on the outside of the circle unwilling to be surrounded by these people.
“It’s all right,” Ronin said beside me. He gently touched the back of my arm, urging me to go ahead.
He led me to a fallen tree a few feet from the fire where Vera was sitting. He sat beside her and patted the bark. I hesitated before sitting down. I’d come this far, fighting it the entire time wouldn’t get me anywhere.
“Begin,” Vera said and the people turned and walked back to the tree line.
From somewhere to the right, a man’s voice called out. “We are Vetteri Sidhe.”
“We are Vetteri Sidhe,” everyone repeated.
“We have a duty.”
“We have a duty,” they repeated again. Silence followed, until a rustling in the undergrowth drew my eyes to the left. A woman came out of the woods, animal hides covering her only where underwear and a bra would. Face paint hid her identity until she looked me in the eyes. It was Ara, Ronin’s sister.
“I am the first Lokin,” she said, walking to the fire. “It begins with me.”
More rustling as more people, men and women both, in animal hides come out of the woods and surround the fire. “Lead us, Lokin,” they said as one.
“Another clan threatens to destroy us,” she said throwing her hands up in the air. “They are many, and we are few. But we will survive!”
“We will survive!” Every one repeats her this time.
“I call upon the powers of the heavens to send us a protector.”
I was uncomfortable with what was going on. The thought that I had found my way into the clutches of some sort of cult that was going to try to recruit me stood at the forefront of my mind.
Then Ara pointed and the creature of my nightmares came walking through the woods.
I was about to jump up and run when Ronin grabbed my wrist. “Just wait.”
I looked at him, adrenaline already coursing through my system. He looked calm, and like he had expected my reaction, so I sat back down and forced myself to look closer at the animal. That’s when I saw the legs and arms of a man. He crept closer to Ara and the fire.
“Behold, Fenrir.” As she said it, everyone around the fire collapsed. The man in the animal suit howled. “Alas, my magic has turned on me. The warriors of my clan are dead.”
The man in the animal suit ran off and more people in animal furs came walking out of the woods. One woman held a baby, no more than a few months old, in her arms and handed it to Ara.
“I have sacrificed my gift of magic so that we may find the Warg and destroy it,” she raised the baby above her head. “This child has a gift, rare and precious.”
“The child has a gift.” Chills ran down my spine as everyone repeated her words.
“She can save us from the Warg,” Ara shouted.
“She can save us from the Warg!”
“Only she can see,” she yelled
“Only she can see.”
Ara brought the baby down and started walking over to where I sat precariously on the log, ready to jump up and run at any moment. There was something about this that made my hair stand on end and goosebumps pop up all over. As she approached me she held the baby out at arms length and dropped her.
I dove from my seat and caught her inches from the ground. I was panting as I stood up, holding the baby close, sight going red at the sound of cheers from everyone around me.
“What in the hell was that about?” I snapped at Vera as she stood up and walked to me.
The cheering dyed down and only the sound of the wind in the leaves and birds in the trees could be heard as she looked at me, smiling. “The savior has has come. Only she can see.”
I would like to know if it’s creepy enough. Is it weird enough. Is it too creepy? Is it too weird? Does it sell as a ritual? Any and all thoughts would be of immense help. Do you love it? Do you hate it? I’LL TAKE ANYTHING YOU’VE GOT TO SAY!!
PS- This is from the document I don’t have my edits on, so it’s very rough.