I’m home alone today. The kids are at my dad’s house and Hubs is at work. I should be cleaning right now, but decided that it’s something I can procrastinate on a little longer. It’s Friday! I have ME time! Why would I want to waste it cleaning, when I could be writing instead?
Of course, I also piddle-farted around a bit… Yes, piddle-fart! I got on to iTunes and got my iPod updated with the songs I want. I also did some getting of ebooks at smashwords via a lovely little group at Goodreads.com. I’m hoping to get those read by next weekend.
I also did some blog reading. It’s something I do every day anyway, but this time it is special. Why? Because I have decided to participate in a Flash Fiction challenge from the ever hillarious Chuck Wendig over at terribleminds.com. If you don’t read his blog, or his books, you’re missing out!
The Flash Fiction challenge is to write a story, no more than 1000 words, about…. Unicorns! I’ll let him explain.
So, without further ado, I present to you my untitled, 932 words, Flash Fiction piece on unicorns:
I’ll start by telling you about the woman down the street. Cows aren’t my thing though. Unicorns are. Still, I thought it my duty as a Listener to get rid of the woman who had learned too much. Phil wasn’t going to do it (cows are his thing) so I went ahead and stepped up. I mean, the woman was right about the cows taking over the world, but that doesn’t matter. She wasn’t supposed to know. When I found out she did know, I made a few calls and within an hour the nice men with the straight-jackets showed up. It’s a good thing I kept my ears open too. If I didn’t live a few houses down from her, Phil would be in deep shit right now. I didn’t even get a “Thank you, Mariss.”
One of the things about being a Listener for unicorns is, I get to live free of most responsibility. They get seen so rarely, I don’t have much to do on a regular. I just get paid to be there and clean it up if someone does see one.
People believe unicorns are a myth. It’s kind of funny how that myth has gotten so bloated with lies. Unicorns are not beautiful, heavenly, wonderful creatures that all the stories out there say they are. Oh, no. They are evil creatures that will suck the soul right out of you if you look them in the eyes. Unicorns aren’t white and pure. They’re black and ugly and slimy.
You’ve seen the movie, Legend. Right? Well, think of role reversal. Tim Curry is the good guy, even with his horns, while the unicorns are much, much worse. That’s why I laugh when some dope sees one. He’s out in the middle of the forest, where people have no business being, and catches a glimpse of one of my unicorns. Sad really. This one guy was so enamored with it, he actually got his cell phone out and called his sister… Just before the unicorn speared him through the eye with its horn and began eating him.
That damned phone. It had to be a camera phone! That was one hell of a mess I had to clean up too. Never underestimate the amount of paperwork involved in trying to delete cell phone records.
That was the last time I had to deal with it. The time before had been about 100 or so years earlier. Things were easier then. I didn’t have to worry about security cameras and cell phones. All I had to do was get rid of the little girl’s body and plant some evidence at the house of a low-life. I try to be judicial in who I pick to frame for the deaths caused by my unicorns. In that instance, I picked a real douchebag. He molested children, so he deserved the hanging he got.
Have I even explained what a Listener is exactly? Well, a Listener is someone – an immortal – chosen by the powers that be (whoever they are) to watch out for the secret societies of animals. All of the animals. Including unicorns (duh!), dragons (yes, them too), and pixies (they bite). If humans get involved with them in any way more than just thinking they are myths or animals, we intervene. We either destroy the evidence or the humans. I don’t mean, kill them – though that has proved to be very efficient in some cases – I mean, make them disappear to a mental hospital or another country with their memories erased.
It’s not about protecting humans from the animals though. It’s the other way around. If a scientist got his hands on a unicorn, they would be wiped out. The unicorns, not the humans. Well, the humans would probably be wiped out too, but thats beside the point. Unicorns are extremely dangerous creatures! Bears (what I blamed the hiker with the cell phone on. Sorry Janine.) are cute and cuddly compared to unicorns! Great White Sharks are worthy of being almost as mean, though they aren’t that smart. Mindless really. They want to rule the sea, but their attempt to eat everything in sight is less of a threat than the corals’ long term plans. Seriously though, wait until the red algae learns to stop fighting amongst themselves. You think Moses faced the Red Sea? Just wait.
I’m getting off my main point though. Unicorns are evil. True story. I’m lucky I’m an immortal. I mean, I’ve been flayed by those damned horns plenty of times. Don’t even get me started on the eyes. If a human looks into the eyes of a unicorn, and the unicorn doesn’t try to eat him, the human goes mad.
Completely and irrevocably bonkers.
Have you ever witnessed someone’s hair go white in an instant? I have. It’s kind of amazing, actually. Some human was stupid enough to come out of hiding after a unicorn ate her husband. One look into the big black empty eyes and BAM! Hair white, pupils dilated, and drool forming all before she could even bat an eye.
Wanna know what I see when I look into a unicorn’s eyes? Fire. Death. Hunger. An intelligence you do not want to fuck with. EVIL. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again. Unicorns are not fluffy little pets from the myths you know. They are hatred formed in the shape of an equine with a damned horn on its forehead.
You see one, you run. Don’t look back, don’t go toward it. You RUN.