I have hit that point where I wonder, “WHAT THE HELL AM I DOING??????”
That’s right. I’m there.
I wonder what the hell gives me the right to call myself a writer? No one is going to want to read this!! There is no way my plot is good enough. There is no way my characters are coming off as anything but one dimensional. Who the hell am I to think that I can show, not tell? Sub-plots? Forget it… Nothing going.
Even as I write this, my palms are sweaty and I am quivering with fear at the prospect of continuing my WIP. I write a sentence and delete it (it wasn’t good enough). I stand up and pace in front of my computer, silently scolding myself for not being able to write. I know where I’m trying to go with this scene!! Why in the world can’t I get through it? What is going on inside my head that is preventing me from just sitting down and taking the scene where it’s supposed to go? It’s not the characters holding me back! They are waiting on the sidelines, watching me as I walk to and fro, occasionally throwing out comments for me to just get to it already…
Maybe doing some dishes will help calm me down? Of course, after dropping three plates in a row trying to scrub those invisible food spots off as if that is the key to getting my creative juices flowing again, I decide taking a step away from it all is necessary.
And when I sit down on the couch, close my eyes, and let my body slowly relax, I realize something. It’s fear holding me back. It’s this crazy idea that I am not good enough and I’m just kidding myself claiming myself a writer…
That’s what I am, though. I always have been! Just because I’ve never published anything before doesn’t mean that everything I write is shit! It just means that I have to work harder, and while that is a terrifying prospect in itself, it’s part of being a writer.
This is where I have failed in the past. I got two pages done and I was convinced it was horrible and not worth continuing… So I didn’t. I stopped. The perfect recipe for failure is to never try.
Now, I’m thinking to myself, “I’ve gotten this far!! I can’t stop now!! Get your ass in gear, Katie!”
So that’s what I’m doing… I’m steeling myself for the long, winding and treacherous path ahead. I’m going to forge on, pound out the words on the keyboard and slap this bitch of a project right across the face!!
“IT ISN’T SHIT!! KEEP WRITING!!”